My Loss, My Love
by SongOfStars
Summary: After being hurt by women one too many times, Kirk swore never to love again. But when a man takes an interest in him as well, he decided to make one last attempt, only to lose everything once more. Is there no healing in sight?


**Disclaimers:** I don't own anything. That said, considering Gary Mitchell is only one show, I think he's fair game. LOL (Also lines in **bold** are not mine either. They are only there to show the chronological timeline.)

**AN: **This one-shot is, simply put, a fluke! It popped into my head & refused to go away until it got written away. I'm not as into Kirk/Gary as I am into Kirk/Spock, so this one kind of surprised me! Watch out, it has the highest rating on here I can find for a reason! A **_LOT_** of m/m going on (my gals of are pervs...but so am I! LMAO)

Anyway as a final warning MIND THE RATING! This stuff is much stronger than the fluff I had for Sirius/Remus!

**Summary:** After being hurt by women one too many times, Kirk swore never to love again. But when a man takes an interest in him as well, he decided to make one last attempt, only to lose everything once more. Is there no healing in sight?

* * *

**My Loss, My Love **

**(one-shot)**

**Summary: After being hurt by women one too many times, Kirk swore never to love again. But when a man takes an interest in him as well, he decided to make one last attempt, only to lose everything once more. Is there no healing in sight?**

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"You're supposed to let me win."

"Is that so? Why ever for?"

"Don't tease me, Gary Mitchell! I'm the Captain. I always win."

"You're neither royalty or a girl. Nothing special about being a Captain," Gary went on teasing anyway. "You just don't like to lose." He pressed a towel over his face one last time, a lock of jet-black hair falling forward between his eyes.

"I never lose," Jim Kirk all but pouted.

"You did this time," Gary laughed, earning a glare. "Oh court martial me."

"Don't even joke about things like that, Gary!" Kirk's eyebrows rose higher & faster than Spock's ever could.

Gary sighed heavily. "Alright, the next time we do some self-defense training together, I'll let you black both my eyes. Happy, princess?"

Kirk's lower jaw all but landed on the ground. "Why I oughta...why do I think of you as my best friend anyway?"

"Hmm, I have no idea," Gary said, stepping through the exercise room door that lead into the corridor.

Kirk fell in step beside him. "Gary, you've been one of my best friends since the Academy. Sometimes I wonder if you were the only one."

"Oh please, the women loved you! Still do, really."

"You know that having a girl for some nighttime fun is not the same as having a friend." Kirk entered his cabin & poured out two glasses of whiskey. He handed one to Gary as he sat down on the small lounge against the wall. "Oh I must tell you, that's a rather hard left hook you've got."

"Sorry about that," said Gary as he made himself comfortable across from Kirk.

The two of them had gotten into this routine since they first met. Beat each other up. Tease each other mercilessly about it afterward over a few shots of whiskey before parting ways into their own lives only to start the whole thing over the next time.

Kirk never once was able to get Gary Mitchell down. Whether he wanted to or not, perhaps letting Gary win all the time in spite of himself, was a different matter, one Jim Kirk still couldn't figure out. He watched as Gary stretched out lazily, head back with his eyes closed. Jim turned his attention to his own drink once more. This was another sub-routine that he had seemed to get himself into, watch Gary every chance he got. The man was graceful. Jim had often kicked himself mentally in the head for even considering running his fingers through that midnight sky Gary called hair. What was the matter with him anyway? He liked girls! This was new for him, looking at a guy like this. Not just any guy either; his best friend for several years.

No wait, that's wrong. It wasn't new. The guy thing yes, but not the love. After Carol taking his child away & never seeing her or David again, after Janice Lester turning on him so ruthlessly like an enraged animal in the night, Jim had given up on love. It was just too painful. Having a different girl for every day, that would be night actually, of the week spared him of that soul-wrenching pain. Just as the 24-hour sterilizing hypo-spray spared him the very idea of someday becoming separated from any more children.

But why another man all of a sudden? This is one thing Jim Kirk could not figure out. Nevertheless, it was getting to hot for him. Keep it simple. Keep it friendly. It was better that way. He had no intention of getting burned again.

"Hey! Starfleet HQ to Captain!"

"Hmm? I'm sorry, what?"

"You've been staring at me for almost five freaking minutes."

"I am? I do—" _Fuck!_ Kirk gave himself a really big mental kick at that, feeling something hot seize his face. _Double fuck!_ "Did? Sorry!" _Whatever._

"You stare at me quite often."

Jim took the time to speak this time. No more screwing up or Gary will know. "You think so?"

"Mhm."

"Well, I'm..." _I'm what? Goddamn it! Wait, now I sound like Bones._ "I'm studying me."

"You?"

"Yes, you."

"You said 'me'."

"What? I mean for our next training session. Trying to find out your weakness."

"Mhm," Gary wasn't convinced. He put his glass on the small stand behind him. "You know, I was wondering when this conversation would happen."

"Oh really?" Kirk said with his charming half smile. _Stop that. Idiot!_ "Uh, what conversation would that be?"

"Permission to speak freely, Captain?"

"We're off duty until we leave tomorrow. You can do what ever you want."

"I can?" Gary asked, mildly surprised.

"Mhm," Kirk finished his whiskey before setting the glass aside, feeling like he was in trouble. A lot of trouble.

Gary stood up & moved so that he was standing in front of him, crossing his arms. "You said I can do whatever I want right now?"

"I think so."

"So Starfleet aside, we keep our personal stuff separate?"

"Alright, this won't go in any report. What's wrong Gary?"

There was a fleeting moment, then Kirk felt as if the air had been knocked from his lungs as Gary was suddenly in his lap, kneeling down with a leg on either side, crushing their lips together until both were bruised. He pulled away for a moment to say, "What's wrong? You're bloody slow! I've been waiting for you since half-way through the Academy." He closed the distance between them again, catching Jim's lips with his own once more.

_Oh G—Oh my God! I really am in trouble!_ Jim Kirk never thought he would ever get the chance to run his fingers through that hair like what he was doing now. He never expected that Gary Mitchell was feeling the same way he was. Wait, feeling? No more love, remember? It hurt. He slowly but surely worked his hands between them until they were against Gary's chest. Gently, he pushed away.

"Something wrong, James?"

_Dear God was it a turn on to hear his name said like that._ "I've been wanting you for a while & there's only one reason I can think of why. I love you. That's why we can't do this."

"That...made absolutely no sense."

"Gary, you know I've tried being serious before. Carol. Janice. Mmm," Kirk sighed heavily before going on. "I'm no good for this. I'll only get hurt again."

"James, we're both going to be stuck on this starship for at least the next five years," Gary started. "I've wanted you for a long time. I know the mess you were in when you split up with Carol. As for Janice, I've told you before that girl isn't worth it. Her loss not yours! Actually, she was my fault really. I pushed you two together when you broke off with Carol. Just remember to keep Starfleet separate from our personal business. I can handle that. It's hard but not impossible. I won't hurt you." He waited a moment before leaning in close & whispering slyly in Kirk's ear. "Unless you ask me to."

The hot whisper caressed over his ear. Gary Mitchell had never been so close to him before. James R. T. Kirk was officially undone. Gary's last comment almost made him come right then & there. Almost. The two of them were soon thrashing about on the floor nearly in a race to undress the other first.

Jim shoved Gary's shirt up to expose his chest. He let Gary deal with that as he trailed a line of kisses down the center until he reached that small point of black hair showing just above the belt. Jim moved down a little more to sink his teeth into the part that ran through the buckle, pulling it out of one side. He was about to pull it completely free but his hand pressed down onto Gary's cock as he fumbled for the zipper at the same time.

"Oh!" Gary grunted, thrusting suddenly upward. Jim lifted his face barely in time to avoid getting a large metal clasp in his mouth. "Sorry!" Gary pushed him away to undo both their belt clasps more safely. "Oh hold still a moment!" he complained as Jim eagerly tried to rub against him.

"Hurry up, Mitchell!" Jim ordered. Any moment that their bodies were apart was almost unbearable for him but he soon had Gary's sleek lithe body pinned directly under him. The only question now was what to do with him. Kirk had never been with another man before & was seized with an instant terror of hurting Gary.

"Go on," Gary said softly, sensing his hesitation. "It's alright."

"I've...never done this before."

"Neither have I," said Gary. "You started with so many girls. I was saving myself for you."

Jim Kirk's eyes opened wider than a lion's. "My God! You're a complete virgin?"

"Mhm." Gary looked up at him for a moment before bursting out laughing. "Relax. I think I'm more than old enough for this now. If it weren't for you, I'd probably have done something like this already. I'll be fine!"

"Oh! I...if it...I mean." _Fuck it! There was no way I'm doing this to him._ "Switch with me." He tried to roll off. _Let the virgin set the pace._

Gary grabbed Kirk around his hips with his legs at the same time he put firm hands on Kirk's shoulders, holding him in place. "Nope. Gees Jim! I thought I was the virgin around here."

"If I hurt you—" Kirk began.

"I'll probably enjoy it," Gary shushed him. "We're not kids, Jim. I think I know what I like."

_What in the hell?! _Jim stared down at this beautiful creature under him. Just what kind of man was this anyway? Very well then, he wanted an experienced touch? He'll get an experienced touch! He wriggled downward slightly before throwing his full weight onto Gary, pressing firm & hard into him.

"Oh!" Gary cried out, arching his back off the floor. "God James!"

Kirk froze instantly, heart pounding against his ribs. "Did I hurt you?"

"Yep!" Gary caught Kirk's lips with his own as he began to rock his hips against Kirk's.

After another moment, Kirk slowly thawed out. Gary didn't seem to mind this at all. Kirk started to match his rhythm with Gary's. He felt hands tighten around his shoulders.

"Too gentle, love."

"Sorry," Kirk quickened his pace, forcing Gary to match him instead.

"Now you're getting it."

Jim smiled softly against Gary's neck before sinking his teeth into the exposed flesh. Gary's body contorted sharply under him, causing them both to groan loudly. Jim shushed them both by forcing his tongue into Gary's mouth as they thrashed from side to side on the floor.

Gary bit down on Jim's lower lip, drawing out a little blood. As they pulled away slightly for a gasp of air, Gary let go only to sink his teeth into Jim's jaw line. His bite was like an iron vice pressing down to the very bone.

"Mm!" Kirk gasped. "You really like it rough."

"Am I too strong?"

"Not enough!" Kirk surprised himself when he said that. He had never done anything quite like this before. Gary's torturous nips were all but driving him over the edge, making Kirk desperate for more. He slowly lost his fear of hurting Gary, letting himself succumb to the full strength of a drive he never even knew he had.

Gary was soon straining & thrashing under him, coming so close to the edge only to gasp in protest as Kirk would purposely slow down for a moment. "You'll go over when I say you'll go over."

"James!" Gary twisted under him.

Jim thought he could never feel more pleasure than watching Gary twist under him like this. It was driving him crazy & he soon lost any control he had over his own coming. He thrust into Gary a few more times, faster than before, until both went over.

They had been lying on the floor now for almost half an hour. Jim had laid his head on Gary's chest, rising & falling with his even breathing. He passed his hand in soft caresses over that smooth chest, causing the tiny transparent hairs to stand on end. Jim had forgotten what it felt like to be connected to a single person. He liked it. Of course, he never expected to be with another man but maybe it was better this way. The women did nothing but mistreat him. Maybe Jim was meant for male companionship all along. _Alright. One last shot. This better work this time!_ Kirk slowly sat up, cracking his back in a few places as he stretched. Looking down beside him, he noticed that Gary was awake again, watching him. He shivered slightly. "We...really should move to the bed. Much warmer."

"I was just thinking the same thing," Gary said, standing up quickly.

Kirk did the same, albeit much more slowly. "Ooh! This floor is doing wonders for my back. None of them good either."

"Oh shut up, old man," Gary teased as he slid under the covers, opening one side for Kirk to join him.

"I'm serious," Kirk stretched side to side, causing a few more cracks to sound out.

"Serious? I thought your name was Jim?"

"Should I order you to shut up?" Kirk huffed. "I'm not an old man. I'm barely 30 years."

"Alright then, quit complaining like one," Gary laughed. "Oh toss me my shirt please. It is getting rather cold in here, seeing as you're not joining me."

"Oh, I'll join you," Kirk threatened in a teasing manner as he snatched Gary's shirt off the nearest chair. "Computer increase temperature by 10 degrees Fahrenheit." He soon took his place next to Gary in the bed. "You know, I'm still quite surprised at what just happened here."

"You're not regretting it?" Gary asked, worried.

"Oh no. Absolutely not. Well, provided I don't get burned again," Kirk almost glared at Gary for a moment. "Any regrets I'll end up having is up to you."

"I'll try not to disappoint you then."

"I'm just surprised you're into this," Kirk suddenly went on. "Not to mention me!"

"Really?" Gary asked rhetorically. "Jim, I've seen you look at men before. I've caught you looking at me many times since way back when we were still at the Academy. You're totally bisexual. I thought you knew that?"

"Nope, I didn't. Not until tonig—wait, you think I'm bi?"

"No, I know you're bi," Gary stated. "And I think, uhh, I think so does Spock."

"Spock?!" Jim Kirk nearly rolled out of bed, he was laughing so hard. "Whatever put that into your head?"

"I don't rightly know. Coming from a Vulcan, I really don't get it," Gary shrugged. "But I've seen him watching you many times. So I figured I better claim you myself before he does, just in case."

"Ok," Kirk propped himself up against the headboard. "First off, he's Vulcan. This would be illogical, being with your own gender. Secondly, those people can only mate every seven years. I can't hold out that long."

"I know you can't," Gary laughed. "You'd go crazy if you didn't have something to hump every 24 hours."

"Gary!"

"Anyway, I think that's a myth," Gary quickly changed the subject.

"Damn right it is! I can be celibate."

"Actually, I was referring to Vulcans mating only every seven years," said Gary. "I've seen a Vulcaness with children, more than one, barely a year or two apart."

"Maybe they adopt," Jim shrugged. "I really don't know what goes on in Vulcan heads, but seriously, Spock? Watching me? Right."

"Well just in case, I figured I'll claim you for myself," Gary pulled his shirt on around his shoulders but left it open in front, before putting a hand on Jim's face, pulling him close for a gentle kiss. He was soon licking at the bruised wound he had caused earlier.

Jim slid down further under the blankets, turning away so he could fit into Gary's arms. "This is much better than the floor." He felt Gary's hands slowly working on his back, kneading out the knots.

"Quite better," Gary leaned over to whisper.

"Spock…my God in heaven! Gary you really are an idiot sometimes. He's a close friend of mine. Very close, but not that close!"

"Either way, you're mine now." The massage soon turned to soft damping kisses along Kirk's spine.

Kirk suddenly had the feeling that neither of them would get any sleep tonight. That feeling intensified as Gary leaned over completely until he was covering Jim's body with his own. Jim was soon lost in another heated frenzy as Gary claimed him completely. For the first time in a long time, Jim Kirk felt that he could love again. Nothing could ever take Gary away from him.

**"Captain's Log: Stardate 1313.8. Add to official losses, Dr. Elizabeth Dehner. Be it noted she gave her life in performance of her duty."**

Here he paused; his next entry would all but kill him. Spock left his post for a moment to come stand beside him.

Kirk suddenly went on. **"Lieutenant Commander Gary Mitchell...same notation."** There it was done. Damn it! This was all his fault. He had to kill Gary but it almost killed him at the same time. Jim Kirk swore to himself never to let himself love again. This was it; his heart was closed forever.

He closed the recorder. **"I want his service record to end that way. He didn't ask for what happened to him."**

"**I felt for him too."**

_What in the hell?_ Kirk stared in surprise but the Vulcan was looking forward to the helm. _Was Gary right? Was Spock really watching him? Well he can watch all he likes! Never again! I've had enough._ On the other hand, the Vulcan did state some sort of emotional response. **"I believe there's some hope for you after all, Mr. Spock."** _There. Mister. Keep it formal. Keep it friendly. It's better that way. I should have followed that motto from the beginning!_

The rest of the evening passed in a haze for Kirk. He dreaded the thought of returning to his cabin. Alone. But wasn't alone better? Eventually, he had to turn in sooner or later. He sighed heavily; surveying that frenzied mess he & Gary had made only the night before. The blankets were still in a twist on his bed & he didn't bother trying to fix them, wanting to leave everything the way they had made it. He slipped into bed as best possible, the covers in a twist around him. A piece of material came loose & Kirk straightened it out to find Gary's shirt in his hands. He looked at it for a moment, almost glaring. He put it on, suddenly feeling colder than death.

Death was right. Gary was dead! He was the one who killed him. Slowly it sunk in at last that he would never see Gary again. "Oh God what have I done?" Kirk suddenly curled up in a ball, shaking violently.

The sobs took a long time to change to soft, silent tears. He was exhausted from it. But he still couldn't forget the agony Gary left him in. _No don't blame Gary! Not his fault._ Kirk turned over trying to get a little sleep. If Dr. Bones saw him like this, he'd start asking questions. Kirk didn't want to tell anyone about Gary, it hurt too much to talk of it. For the second time in his life, he actually cried himself to sleep. The only time he had felt this horrible, lost, afraid & alone was when he was just barely fourteen after he had escaped that dreadful planet, Tarsus IV.

From then on, Kirk was a different man. He was more reckless & daring. He never stayed with a partner for long periods of time. Kirk had gone back to the girls once more, but this time his newfound lust Gary had taught him would now often get the better of him. He was rougher with the girls. Women had caused him pain in the past; it was about time he returned the favor. The odd thing was, most of the girls liked this 'new & improved' Captain Kirk & his nocturnal antics were becoming famous across the galaxy. There were no other men in his life. No one could replace Gary. No one knew he had liked a man before, or at least, Kirk thought no one knew.

But Gary had been right. Spock was on to him. That first year aboard the Enterprise was like dancing on a deadly giant spider's web. Strike the wrong line & there would be hell to pay. What was with this Vulcan anyway? Often, Kirk caught himself yearning for a man's touch again. Then he'd catch Spock simply sitting there, watching him. Better stop that! Kirk would instantly search for the nearest willing, or at least partially willing, girl around & have his way with her.

There were times Kirk surprised himself. He started catching himself in long silent looks with the Vulcan. He trained an android copy to hate the Vulcan. To feel the exact opposite for Spock from what he felt. _Wait, the exact opposite? If it hates Spock, then what do I feel?_ Kirk pushed the very idea to the back of his mind. His main concern right now was getting out of here away from this miserable planet. _Back to Spock perhaps? Oh shut up you!_

To prove to himself, not to mention to Spock, that this was mere whimsy, Kirk again grabbed the nearest girl he could get his hands on. He continued in his downward spiral of lust, not love, allowing no one to bring him up again.

Still Spock watched him. Watched & waited. Kirk tried not to notice but as time went on, he found it harder to do so. Spock was slowly but surely wearing him down. But then, as suddenly as Kirk noticed Spock even just a little, the Vulcan started withdrawing, demanding to go back to Vulcan. He even went against Kirk's orders & changed the ship's heading anyway. What was the matter with him?

Jim tried to reach out to him, only causing Spock to withdraw further away. They had become so close over this past year, yet just when he thought there were no more secrets between them, Spock reluctantly told him that he had to return to Vulcan or die & the painful reasons for this.

They arrived at Vulcan without waiting for Starfleet orders. Kirk followed Spock & Bones into the clearing, feeling sick at heart. Gary had been wrong. Vulcans do only mate every seven years. To make things worse, Spock was already prearranged for someone else.

_Why am I thinking this way again?_ Kirk tried to focus on anything but the conflict he was feeling inside. He soon found something far more interesting to focus on. Surviving Spock's attack. The irony almost made Kirk mad. He had to kill Gary. Here, Spock had to kill him. Hardly had that thought crossed his mind when he suddenly felt weak. Spock disappeared into blackness.

Kirk blinked & glanced around. He was in Sickbay all of a sudden. No T'Pring. No wedding procession. He sat up & swung his legs over the edge wondering just what the hell happened. "Where's Spock?" He muttered to himself as he slowly stood up & stretched out. _Had the Vulcan left the ship for good? Was it all over before it ev—was what over anyway?_ "Not again!" He huffed aloud to himself. "Of course I'm in love again. He's gone. It never works out." Kirk wanted to beat himself up for letting this happen. He should have guarded his emotions better, like a Vulcan. He should have kept up his interest in the girls. He never should have let Spock down on that planet! Kirk continued to mentally torture himself until he heard the door in the next room swish open & familiar voices suddenly came into focus.

"**Doctor, I shall be resigning my commission immediately, of course—"**

"**Uh, Spock—" **Bones tried to cut in.

_Spock! He's still here! Oh my—he's still here!_ Kirk almost died of joy. "Resign my ass!" he smiled to himself before walking towards the opening between the bedroom & the office.

"—**so I would appreciate your making the final arrangements."**

"**Spock, I—"** Bones tried again._ Can't he shut up for two damn seconds? Always has to have the last word._

"**Doctor, please, let me finish,"** Spock all but stamped his foot. Stubborn as ever.** "There can be no excuse for the crime of which I am guilty. I intend to offer no defense."**

Jim Kirk stepped through the doorway, tugging on his shirt, a silly grin on his face. He was now right behind Spock who was still giving out orders. _Hmm, I should remind him that's my job._ Kirk waited a few more moments, just enjoying the fact that Spock was still here with him. Bones & Chapel soon shared that same look with Kirk.

**"Furthermore, I shall order Mr. Scott to take immediate command of this vessel."**

_Alright, time to shut him up before he gets too far ahead of himself. My ship & all._ **"Don't you think you better check with me first?"**

Startled. Scared out of his freakin' Vulcan mind. Spooked. Whatever word Kirk thought would describe Spock's reaction pretty much fit. Kirk was thoroughly enjoying himself as Spock rounded on him, staring in disbelief. **"Captain!"**

Kirk only laughed as he tried to make his way towards Bones. _Whoever said Vulcans had no emotions was an idiot!_

Spock grabbed him by the shoulders as he passed. **"Jim!"** He actually broke out into a wide grin! Then he noticed the smirk on Bones & tried to compose himself. **"I am...pleased to see you, Captain. You seem...uninjured. I am at something of a loss to understand it, however**."

Kirk finally took pity on him as he started explaining, putting the blame entirely on Bones. Spock was quite fascinated with the idea. In turn, Spock told them both that he seemed to be fine now. He had lost all interest in T'Pring. The madness was gone. A warning flag was raised on high in Kirk's mind at that. Wasn't this thing, this Pon Farr, supposed to last around eight days? They were barely halfway through the week. He quickly pushed that out of his mind. Spock was here now. He was safe & nothing would take Spock away from him again.

The idea was soon forgotten now that the Enterprise was speeding towards Altair VI, Spock back in his position next to Uhura. Kirk sat back in his chair to relax a bit. Now that the whole fiasco with Vulcan, not to mention Starfleet being late in acknowledging his wishes as usual, was over, he didn't expect any more excitement for these next few hours.

The bridge was left in Mr. Scott's command as Kirk, Spock & a few others passed the time away in the Recreation Room. It was here that Kirk noticed the first signs of trouble. He noticed Spock standing against the wall on the far side, using it for support. Once the Vulcan regained his composure, he made a quick exit. Kirk stood up to follow.

Spock swayed in the empty hall. Suddenly he doubled over as heat coursed through him once more. "Mmm not again. Not now!" He straightened up.

Standing right in front of him, eyeing his every move, was Captain Kirk himself. "Trouble?"

"I will...I mean..."

"You'll be fine?" Kirk asked, almost demanded. Spock could do nothing but give him a look. "It's just a heat flash?"

"Jim."

"I know this thing lasts about eight days," Kirk went on, not convinced he was fine at all.

"Jim."

"Well, I can't have you rampaging about trying to kill someone," said Kirk. "Shall we go back to Vulcan?"

"No."

_Goddammit all. I hate it when he gets one-worded!_ Kirk half-rolled his eyes & put a hand on Spock's shoulders. The next instant, his world spun upside-down as the Vulcan suddenly hurled him to the floor." Ah! Spock! No!"

"I am sorry, Captain!" Spock helped him up. "I barely remember doing that."

"Never mind," Kirk grumbled, massaging his shoulder. "You're burning again, aren't you? That's all I needed to know. I'm taking us back to Vulc—" Something or other suddenly cracked wildly in the shoulder under his care, first killing him with pain then suddenly feeling quite better. "Ooh! You sure throw hard!"

"Forgive me. I—."

"Don't mention it," Kirk shushed him before opening his communicator. "Captain Kirk to Bri—"

Spock put a hand over Kirk's, closing the communicator. "I do not need Vulcan this time."

"Why? What's different?"

"T'Pring ended the pre-bond with me. I can be with whoever I wish."

Kirk put his communicator away. "I take it you have someone in mind then?"

"Yes."

After a long wait, Kirk finally asked, "Well, who is it?"

"That matter is of a personal nature, Captain," Spock clammed right up at that.

Kirk tossed his head back to glare at the ceiling. "Fuck!"

"Captain?" The look on Spock's face was priceless & Kirk had the feeling Spock never heard a human swear before.

"You drive me insane sometimes, Spock," Kirk said. "My way of getting rid of frustrations is all. Now, if you don't talk to me, I can't help you. But I'm not letting you die either so I don't think you have much choice in the matter. Now, tell me."

"Mmm!" Spock suddenly groaned. He let himself fall against the wall, trying to work through another heat wave. "I do not have time for this!"

"Neither do I."

"Jim."

"What if you just mate with the nearest willing female & be done with it then?"

"No, Jim," Spock shushed him. "It doesn't work like that. There has to be a bond during Pon Farr but the one I've always wished to be with has no time for me. He...prefers the females."

"He? Gary was right about you," Kirk whispered more to himself than to Spock.

"What is the meaning of that?" Spock was suddenly defensive.

"Forget it. Come with me," Kirk started walking at a fast pace towards his cabin.

"Jim," Spock started to protest.

"Now! Spock!" Kirk would not take 'no' for an answer. When they got to the Captain's cabin, he let Spock enter first, as if making sure the Vulcan would stay there. "Spock, what do you need?"

Spock didn't answer, only turned away to stare at the wall or somewhere, anywhere Kirk wasn't. Kirk came & stood right behind him once more & put his hands over the tapered points of his ears. "Jim, we can't."

Kirk stepped back as if he had been injured. "If it will save your life, I don't see what the problem is."

"It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"What's wrong Spock?" Kirk walked toward his small table in one corner. "Vulcan won't accept you for having a male help you out?"

Spock turned to look at him. "It is nothing like that at all. Vulcans are a completely bisexual species."

Kirk tripped on something, or perhaps nothing, that sent him flying forward flat out on his face. "Ow!"

"Jim!" Spock hurried to help him up for the second time. "Are you alright?"

"I must have caught on something or other," Kirk almost flustered, cheeks red hot.

"I believe it was my comment that tripped you."

"You do? Hmm," Kirk hated admitting it but Spock was right. He sat down before he fell down. Again. "I didn't think Vulcans were like that, being more logical to be with opposite mates."

"On the contrary, it is illogical to deny one's own innermost nature."

"I see."

"We may take a mate of either gender," Spock went on. "For me a wife or a t'hy'la will do."

"Meaning...you prefer a...t'hy'la?"

"Ever since I laid eyes on you," Spock finally admitted.

Kirk remained silent for a moment. _Just how the hell did Gary know? _"Alright, but you must know, I can't go without for seven years."

"I see no reason why you would have to wait seven years."

"Can't you mate only once every seven years?"

Spock was completely baffled by that question. "Vulcans are a gender-divided race just as humans are. I can mate whenever I wish! It is the Pon Farr that is every seven years, starting from the first one. Pon Farr is an accelerated sexual drive. One cannot accelerate what isn't there so; logically, I am quite capable of mating at any time. Pon Farr however is something that can not be controlled."

"So what's wrong this time?" Kirk asked. "Why do you no longer want me?"

"I do, just not like this," Spock said. "Captain, I'm doing my best to control myself. Pon Farr is not a normal drive. Once it starts, I will have no control. I would only end up hurting you."

"Mmm!" Kirk let out a groan of surprise. "Even if I'm willing?"

"Pon Farr is quite strong. I would only end up hurting you so much, it may drive you away from me."

Kirk actually laughed at that, earning another quizzical look. "I'm used to love hurting me. It's the reason I don't let myself get attached now." He stood up & closed the few paces between them. "It's the reason I've tried to deny myself of you this past year. But try as I might, I can't. Now, apparently I'm going to end up getting hurt again. At least this time it's for a good cause, keeping you safe." He took Spock's hands in his own & held them up between their chests. "Pon Farr I can handle. We'll both be hurt, but alive. Afterward, we'll still have each other to take care of our wounds. Come to me now. I'll keep you safe."

"Jim," Spock whispered before he closed the distance between their lips.

It started with a kiss. Plak Tow took over.

Kirk barely registered the fact he was being undressed, it happened so fast. He helped Spock out of his own uniform as best as possible in their frenzy. Kirk had longed for a man's touch since he lost Gary but never expected to find another perfect man again. As he lay back onto the bed, pulling Spock onto him, two contradicting things raced through his mind almost at the same time. _Don't bond with him. This is just to save his life. No, I want—need—to love again. Just let go already!_

Spock wasn't gentle, but Kirk didn't mind. Gary had taught him the rougher ways of sex & this is just what Kirk wanted—needed. Spock had him pinned down like a panther holding his prey. He rocked his hips from side to side, slowly but surely working himself in between Kirk's legs, the hardness & the heat of their cocks thrusting against each other almost sent Kirk over right away. But Spock pulled away slightly, earning a groan of protest. He merely flicked up that elegant pointed eyebrow as he worked himself downward a bit more until he could join with his Captain. Then, he hesitated for a moment. "This might hurt."

"That's ok," Kirk barely managed to gasp.

"I may not be able to hold back for much longer."

"It's alright, Spock," Kirk assured him. "I'll be fine." Spock merely gave him a look. "Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm somewhat a fan of a little sexual pain anywa—oh Gods! Mm!" He suddenly cried out as Spock chose this moment to plunge into him.

Spock put a hand on the meld-points & entered Kirk's mind as well. /I did not want to hurt you./

/Spock, I'm fine. I'm actually liking this./

/It may get worse before it gets better./

/I'll be fine. I am with you. T'hy'la...is that the right word?/

/Yes, it is./ Spock deepened their meld & soon Kirk was feeling the same thing Spock was. The heat. The Vulcan drive. Adding, mixing in, to his own physical passions, Kirk's hard on was taken to a whole new level.

/My God! I've never felt so turned on in my life!/

/This is nothing compared to the finish, especially if it is at the same time. Not now, James!/ Spock slowed down just barely enough to halt Jim's coming.

"Spock!" Kirk twisted under him, trying to throw himself over the edge.

The Vulcan had other ideas. "Jim, I must protest!" He slid his hands down from Kirk's face, down to his wrists & pinned his arms outward until the Captain was in the cross position under him. /Can you still feel me?/

/Yes, but how? You're not in a meld position./

/I've kept my contact with you. It formed a link between us./

/Spock!/

/Soon, T'hy'la. Soon./

Spock kept his thrusts even & hard, making Kirk twist as hard as he could even though he was held down by the Vulcan's grip, still outstretched over the bed. Through the telepathic link still between them, Kirk felt Spock's heated pleasure as if it were his own. He had never mated with a telepath before & this was nothing beyond his wildest fantasies that his human mind could ever conjure up.

Spock was becoming more frantic in his burning. His already hard thrusts were longer as he held them tightly in position for a moment before relaxing; only to bear down once more, even harder than before.

/I regret hurting you, Jim. Please hold on./

/Sh, Spock. Take your time. It isn't that bad./ Kirk felt as if he was constantly on edge at the peak of his climax, but never going over. His back was arched off the bed by now; though, Kirk barely registered what went on around him. He sunk farther into their meld, allowing Spock to fill him completely down to his very katra. /I can feel what you feel. Like I'm in constant orgasm!/ "Oh! Spock!" He slowly but surely felt he was going over at last. Or was that Spock's climax he was feeling? It was too mixed up, too much shared. He didn't know who was actually feeling what now & he didn't care.

Spock suddenly sunk his teeth into Kirk's shoulder, letting out a muffled growl as he finally went over, pushing Kirk over as well.

They suddenly collapsed together on the bed, the meld slowly dissolving. Spock released his grip at last, allowing Kirk to slide his arms around the Vulcan, holding him in position on top of him. "Was I up to your expectations?"

"Far beyond! I've never mated with a telepath before."

"I know I can not replace Gary."

"Whoa!" Kirk twisted them around in bed so that they were lying side by side, facing each other. "How did you know?"

"The way he often looked at you, I thought you may be mates," Spock said. "That's why I stayed quiet. Why I stayed away."

"We were close," said Kirk. "But we never got the chance until the night before he died."

"Then I am pleased I waited so you two could have your chance."

"I can't believe you guys knew about each other," Kirk half-smiled, feeling quite tired. "He said you liked me."

"He was right."

After a moment of silence, Kirk murmured, slowly falling asleep, "Feel better?"

"For now," Spock sighed, rather tired after his ordeal. He leaned over to kiss his Captain full on the lips. "Thank you, James."

"Any time," Kirk smiled softly.


End file.
